Dear knowledgable

I received this email from a somewhat distressed young man just last night. I would appreciate it if my esteemed colleagues could attempt some type of solution for this guy. He sounds as if he’s suffering for all the wrong reasons. My heart goes out to him…I would ordinarily give a response here, but for unknown reasons I’m feeling quite warm and flushed…..

Dear ladies of the all knowing blog,
I’ve spoken to a sex therapist about my little quandary but he seemed more interested in the 350.00 an hour I had to pay than actually giving me any answers. I know how cheap you girls are so this was the obvious next step.
Here is the crux of the matter. I have a VERY big dick! In fact, it’s HUGE! Whilst I am the envy of most male friends, this is not the case with women.
I cannot find a woman willing to participate in the horizontal hula with me! I’m considered by the opposite sex to be reasonably attractive and never have a problem getting first, second and even third dates, which is about when the problem starts. {I’m not one to push a woman to sleep with me until at least the 3rd date out of respect}
All goes well, to a point at these times. I have a special place I like to take girl to eat. French cuisine, very romantic atmosphere, good wine. I think it’s nice to do things in style you know? We get past dinner, dessert and coffee without any trouble at all.
It’s when I suggest a night cap at my place we seem to hit the wall.
Just last night I went through the motions with a wonderful young lady named Linda. After arriving at my apartment and enjoying coffee and some light petting, the situation looked as if it would progress to my king size water bed. Getting to the bedroom was no problem, still kissing and petting, becoming quite passionate. Time to disrobe. All is well until Linda decides to go down on me.
Within 2 minutes of her seeing my member, in ALL his glory, she has dressed, and abuses me in no uncertain terms.
Here is the truly painful part. Her reaction was:
“I’m insulted you think I have a big enough place to put that monster!! What do you think I am? A 44 gallon drum? Don’t ever call me again!!”
I can’t help that I have something this size in my pants! It was almost like she thought I’d grown it specially to upset her, like some type of mutant monster!
Please help me! Should I be telling women of this before I get to the point of going to bed with them? Surely that would be in bad taste?
I can just see me over the strawberry crepes. “Oh, by the way, I need you to know my shlong is 12″ long and 4″ round. Do you think you can handle that???”
I’m not convinced this is the answer.
Please help me. My wrist is also starting to be a problem because I need to have the odd wank in order to keep myself sane.
Please tell me you have the answer oh wise ones.
Signed
Biggus Dickus in a dilemma.

Anal bleaching 101

 

Dear Wise One,

What is anal bleaching? Is it safe? Effective? Will the chemicals used make my bumbum tingle or numb? Does it burn? Will my boyfriend like it?

Signed,
Brown Starfish

Dearest Brown Starfish,

Anal bleaching is a technique used to change the dark pigment of the skin around the anus, thus causing it to be a lighter shade, closer to the epidermis of the rest of the body. It is primarily used as a cream, either in your doctor’s office or in the privacy of your own home. I prefer doing it at home so that my S.O. can apply it for me. I find it to be a very erotic practice between the two of us.

It is safe if you are careful with the cream and don’t apply it too heavily, and for goodness’ sake, don’t ingest it or apply it to the inside of your anus! It does not hurt nor will it make your ass hole fall off. It’s perfectly okay to use, if you use the aforementioned precautions.

After using the bleaching cream for several days, you ought to see results. Once you have reached the pigment hue of choice, discontinue the cream and enjoy your new *and improved* anus. It will make you feel *and look* like a young filly again!

Plus, Britney’s doing it! So why the hell not try it!

Signed,
Red

Threesome Dilemma

Dear Know it all ladies: 

I’m a 20 year old woman.  My boyfriend is kinda older, like he’s 34 and he’s got a real good job and stuff.  So we have this nice house and good cars and stuff so things are pretty good, right?  Well about 6 months ago he brings home this girl who’s like a couple of years older than me and he say “this here is Sheila and she’s gonna be my sex slave”  and I’m all like “Welllllll OK, yeah honey, i guess” but can we talk about it, and he says “well I say so and by the way I want you and her both to sign this contract”.  So he brings out these 2 pieces of paper and her’s says it’s a Master & Slave contract and mine’s a Co-master and slave contract.   So what her’s means is that she’s the slave and Howard (that’s my boyfriend) is the master and she has to address him as Master whenever he lets her talk and she has to wear like these special sexy clothes all the time and live in a room in the basement.  I didn’t even know we had a room in the basement!  But he said he’s been working on it while I’m watching Dr.Phil and I can kinda see how I’d never notice that he was building a room IN THE BASEMENT cause I get kinda involved in the show.  Ya know what I mean?   Those people are really screwed up!!!!  Then he tells me that what mine means is that I’m the Co-Master AND a slave, and I’m all like “Huh?”  cause that just doesn’t make any sense.  And he says that I’m his slave but I don’t have to live in the room in the basement, AND (this is the best part!) I’m also the Co-Master of Sheila!   So since I got to be a master too I signed the paper and Sheila signed hers.  I guess Sheila wanted to be a slave.   That’s how stupid she is. 

Then Howie said that him and Sheila would be having sex in the basement whenever he wanted.  See, he’s always wanted me to do the really kinky stuff like trapeze sex and letting him tie me up and blindfold me which wouldn’t be so bad except he insists I let him gag me too and I’ve got a real bad gag reflex. Like I can barely give him a blow job without practically hurling all over the place!!!  Which really used to piss Howie off.   So he got Sheila. 

At first I guess things were OK.   Sheila had to call me Co-Master which was way cool and I got to tell her to do stuff like sweep the floor and do the dishes and she had to do it!  It was like having a maid all the time.  Howie’d disappear into the basement during my Dr. Phil show and sometimes I’d have to turn up the TV cause the sex sounds were pretty loud! 

After awhile though I noticed that Sheila was saying “Yes Co-Master” to me in kind of a snotty way – like she didn’t respect me or something!  And sometimes I swear i could hear her call me a bitch under her breath, but when I’d ask her “Hey! What did you call me?” she’d say “Nothing Co-Master.”  But I knew better.  I’m not a dummy you know.

Finally I decided to tell Howie that Sheila had to go.  I mean, if she won’t respect the contract, she needs to go!  And this brings me to my problem:

Howie says that instead of getting rid of Snotty Sheila, he’s going let her live upstairs and watch Dr. Phil whenever she wants and I have to go live in the basement!  So my question is this:  How do I get Howie to change his mind and see things my way?

Signed,
Confused basement dweller

 Dear BD:

Sister, you’ve got more problems than just living in the basement and missing the Dr. Phil show!   The way I see it is this:  You have a signed contract making you a Co-Master AND a Slave.  But I’ll bet you didn’t read the fine print, did you??? If you look at the teeny tiny printing at the bottom of the page it says: Contract can be changed at any time at the discretion of the Head Master (Howard), thus rendering the Co-Master portion of this contract null and void.  Basically, you’re screwed here, kiddo.  My advice is to learn to love the basement and for God’s sake, work on stifling that gag reflex!  Geez, you young girls – you don’t know anything about giving a good blow job!  Oh, and be nice to Sheila.  I bet you’ll soon find out that she’s your new Co-Master.  And maybe the next time you start getting on your high horse, missy, you’ll think twice about it.

Stay tuned next week when our advice columnist will be Miss PittyPat – a 19th century spinster dispensing advice to the 21st century woman!

Dear Knowledgable

The renown of our Blog of Knowledge is flung far and wide. Emails are flooding our in boxes in search of the wisdom held within these hallowed walls. Held by the truly remarkable women who are a part of this ground breaking venture. One that was started quite innocently on a balmy (boozy) Saturday night. We were unable to restrain ourselves once the cries of the unfortunates reached our ears.

These are their stories.

Dear Knowledgable,
If you don’t answer this I don’t know what I’ll do!! I am in desperate need of your wisdom.
My boyfriend has told me he’s really a woman!!! All these months of hot sex twice a night, and I find out tonight s/he’s been using…I can hardly say it for the shame…a…a….STRAP ON, all this time!!! *gasp*
I feel so dirty. Used. *at this point i’m thinking moron should have been added, but this is her letter after all* k’able
I now understand why s/he wouldn’t let me see him/her naked! Why we could never shower together amidst hot, soapy water! Why he/she always said no to me slobbing his/her knob! (see, I read everything you girls write AND take your advice)
I don’t know what to do! Should I stay with him/her? Should I leave? Should we see a counselor?? Or should i just keep bonking him/her and hope it can work itself out?
Please help me?
Signed
Confused

Dear Confused,
Well you really are in a pickle aren’t you?
The first thing I suggest is a lesson on the difference between silicone and flesh. Once you do this, you will notice a marked improvement on your ability to not be taken in by this type of situation ever again. One must plan for the future. Sound advice I received when I was young and innocent like you.
Secondly, you must ask yourself, do you love this shemale? The REAL person I mean, not just the lustful, steamy nights where you allowed yourself to be fucked taken to the heights of glorious passion? Where you were helpless against the wiles of one who was determined to send you into an orgasmic heaven?
Once you can answer that question truthfully, I think you’ll find the answer you know is in your heart Grasshopper, which of course is:
A good fuck is a good fuck. If you gag the person using the strap on, keep your hands away from the breast area and leave the lights off what difference does it make?
The bonus of course, is you will never be troubled by the question of whether to spit or swallow. (A question that vexes most women at some point in their life)
I hope you found this answer informative and that it has indeed put your dilemma behind you.
May peace (and really good sex) be with you
Signed
Knowledgable