Shmokin’ da pole

Ladies, you wanna know how to give the best blow job ever? You wanna know how to satisfy your man completely, giving him a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, toes-curling hummer?

Get all your teeth pulled out so you can gum that shit!

For the Yiff of It!

Dear Ms. Stark and the Good Ladies of the BOK,

I am in a bit of a quandry and I hope that you knowledgeable ladies can give me some advice.  For the last few months, I have noticed that my husband has been very interested in plush animals.  It started with him purchasing a few for me (from fairs, for special occasions etc).  A plush puppy here, a soft little pony there…  I didn’t seem to mind this behaviour at first.  But later, as his compulsion grew, I am finding his behaviour more ”strange” and “bizarre” (Our bedroom is stuffed with plush animals people!  They are choking me in my sleep! [gasp, gasp!]).    

Oh!  And, more recently, I have noticed that he spends hours browsing the Internet for pornographic photos of cartoon animals!  Just last week, while arranging my toiletries, I found a stash of XXX rated cartoon comics of furry-animals in our bathroom cabinet!  Needless to say, I was shocked.  I didn’t realize they even made such a thing as “furry-porn”.  Now, I will admit, that I flipped through a few of these comics and found them rather intriguing.  Actually, I found them a little erotic.  But, I’m not sure what I would do if my husband came home in a chicken suit!  I’m a vegan!  I can’t eat a chicken….let alone have wild furry-sex with one! 

Help!  What do I do?

-Stressed out in Fur-ville

Dear SOIF,

My advice to you is quite simple dearie.  Pick an animal that you wouldn’t consider eating – be it a fox, a wolf, a horse….whatever.  Buy the costume and have a “yiffy” good-time with that “furson” husband of yours!  And, as you experience the best Kama Sutra “yiffing” of your life – don’t forget to “Yip!” you tight-assed ”yiff-sick” fool! [Oh!  Sorry...pardon me....Is it getting *hot* in here or is it my sexy little kitty suit?!].

Ahem [smoothing her fur].  Anyways, go out and have some fun SOIF (just keep it safe, sane and consensual)…

You’ll feel like a “re-whelped” fox…

Sincerely,

Ms. Stark (High Priestess to the Guild of Yiff-sters)

How to handle a husband

Ladies, some men think once you’re married that they rule the roost. This (true) story shows this is NOT the case most times.
I have in fact used this on my (current) husband and it worked a treat! After 11 years marriage I still have him. (bit of a record for me!!)
Remains of previous husbands are currently languishing in undisclosed locations..

Many thought this story was an urban legend. Not so, people….not so…

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,” That’s once.”

“We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What ’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??”

She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”

“And from that moment… we have lived happily ever after.”

Anal bleaching 101

 

Dear Wise One,

What is anal bleaching? Is it safe? Effective? Will the chemicals used make my bumbum tingle or numb? Does it burn? Will my boyfriend like it?

Signed,
Brown Starfish

Dearest Brown Starfish,

Anal bleaching is a technique used to change the dark pigment of the skin around the anus, thus causing it to be a lighter shade, closer to the epidermis of the rest of the body. It is primarily used as a cream, either in your doctor’s office or in the privacy of your own home. I prefer doing it at home so that my S.O. can apply it for me. I find it to be a very erotic practice between the two of us.

It is safe if you are careful with the cream and don’t apply it too heavily, and for goodness’ sake, don’t ingest it or apply it to the inside of your anus! It does not hurt nor will it make your ass hole fall off. It’s perfectly okay to use, if you use the aforementioned precautions.

After using the bleaching cream for several days, you ought to see results. Once you have reached the pigment hue of choice, discontinue the cream and enjoy your new *and improved* anus. It will make you feel *and look* like a young filly again!

Plus, Britney’s doing it! So why the hell not try it!

Signed,
Red

Spit, Swallow or Dodge

To spit or not to spit? Now that is the question. Times, they are a-changing, folks. You don’t go on dates anymore and make small talk about jobs and dreams and lifetime goals. No, you discuss whether or not you take a mouthful of cum and spit it out or swallow it gracefully. Over morning coffee with your spouse, do you discuss taking his wad and swallowing it into the depths of your stomach? I know I do.

Just this morning, the husband told me how much he loves knowing that I swallow his warm jizm once he shoots it down my throat, as his body shakes and convulses into extasy. Like I have a choice, with that monster probing my mouth like it does! Sheesh!

Anyhow!

A girl *or guy* has a choice to make. Are you going to spit out your lover’s love yogurt, or are you going to swallow it? Are you going to take it in the mouth, taste it and refuse it .. as you spit it out in a non-ladylike fashion? Or are you going to take it like a man and feel it trickle down your throat, knowing that a bunch of little baby spermies are making their way inside your body. Or are you just going to dodge the baby batter all together, and stroke him off into your hand, or perhaps onto your breasts or in your ear?

There is no right or wrong way to do it. Do what feels comfortable to you. Some say it’s an acquired taste. Some take to it right away and eat it for lunch on a daily basis. Some gag at just looking at the white gooey mess. Me? I like it. It’s a big ego booster to the male species if you can take his spunk and swallow it. Brownie points if you can do it without making a face. Extra brownie points *with sprinkles* if you can do a double nut. And enjoy it. Genuinely enjoy it.

Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

da R-U-L-E-S

This entry is geared mainly for the husbands out there. If you’d like to keep your balls intact, follow these three simple rules . . .

Do not spray paint in the house. Even if you think you’re being sneaky – nothing, absolutely nothing will mask or cover the fumes.

Do not clean your garage tools in the dishwasher. Just don’t.

Do not throw your muddy boots in with the wash that contains the wifey’s underlovelies – or anything else for that matter!

If you do these things, you’ll be woken up in the middle of the night as your balls are being snipped off with a set of rusty ol’ hedge trimmers. Trust me, I made a pretty set of dangly earrings with the hubby’s balls not long after we married!

Male mystery solved

Stolen from my other joint …

One of the perks to being a woman . . .

I can get anything out of my husband, any tedious task done, any errand made, or otherwise anything I want accomplished, but really don’t want to do myself, by saying one thing:

I’ll slob your knob if you do it.

Works everytime.