This works well

Ladies, there are many ways to keep your man happy if you’re so inclined {which is probably not a bad idea if you want the trash taken out and the lawns mowed}

There are many ways for a man to keep a woman happy too, but that’s another post.

The advice I have today is short, sweet and very, very deep.

“To keep a man totally happy, you need to be 3 women in one.
A lady in the lounge, a chef in the kitchen and a slut in the bedroom”

Typical bloody men, never satisfied with one!!

~knowledgable~

For the guys

The bulk of our wisdom has been for the girls, so I thought I’d balance the scales with a small piece of advice for the guys. Just a quickie though. Don’t want to be giving the shop away do we girls?

If you remember this always, it will stand you in good stead.

More than likely get you laid at some point too.

Dear knowledgable

I received this email from a somewhat distressed young man just last night. I would appreciate it if my esteemed colleagues could attempt some type of solution for this guy. He sounds as if he’s suffering for all the wrong reasons. My heart goes out to him…I would ordinarily give a response here, but for unknown reasons I’m feeling quite warm and flushed…..

Dear ladies of the all knowing blog,
I’ve spoken to a sex therapist about my little quandary but he seemed more interested in the 350.00 an hour I had to pay than actually giving me any answers. I know how cheap you girls are so this was the obvious next step.
Here is the crux of the matter. I have a VERY big dick! In fact, it’s HUGE! Whilst I am the envy of most male friends, this is not the case with women.
I cannot find a woman willing to participate in the horizontal hula with me! I’m considered by the opposite sex to be reasonably attractive and never have a problem getting first, second and even third dates, which is about when the problem starts. {I’m not one to push a woman to sleep with me until at least the 3rd date out of respect}
All goes well, to a point at these times. I have a special place I like to take girl to eat. French cuisine, very romantic atmosphere, good wine. I think it’s nice to do things in style you know? We get past dinner, dessert and coffee without any trouble at all.
It’s when I suggest a night cap at my place we seem to hit the wall.
Just last night I went through the motions with a wonderful young lady named Linda. After arriving at my apartment and enjoying coffee and some light petting, the situation looked as if it would progress to my king size water bed. Getting to the bedroom was no problem, still kissing and petting, becoming quite passionate. Time to disrobe. All is well until Linda decides to go down on me.
Within 2 minutes of her seeing my member, in ALL his glory, she has dressed, and abuses me in no uncertain terms.
Here is the truly painful part. Her reaction was:
“I’m insulted you think I have a big enough place to put that monster!! What do you think I am? A 44 gallon drum? Don’t ever call me again!!”
I can’t help that I have something this size in my pants! It was almost like she thought I’d grown it specially to upset her, like some type of mutant monster!
Please help me! Should I be telling women of this before I get to the point of going to bed with them? Surely that would be in bad taste?
I can just see me over the strawberry crepes. “Oh, by the way, I need you to know my shlong is 12″ long and 4″ round. Do you think you can handle that???”
I’m not convinced this is the answer.
Please help me. My wrist is also starting to be a problem because I need to have the odd wank in order to keep myself sane.
Please tell me you have the answer oh wise ones.
Signed
Biggus Dickus in a dilemma.

Shmokin’ da pole

Ladies, you wanna know how to give the best blow job ever? You wanna know how to satisfy your man completely, giving him a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, toes-curling hummer?

Get all your teeth pulled out so you can gum that shit!

Spit, Swallow or Dodge

To spit or not to spit? Now that is the question. Times, they are a-changing, folks. You don’t go on dates anymore and make small talk about jobs and dreams and lifetime goals. No, you discuss whether or not you take a mouthful of cum and spit it out or swallow it gracefully. Over morning coffee with your spouse, do you discuss taking his wad and swallowing it into the depths of your stomach? I know I do.

Just this morning, the husband told me how much he loves knowing that I swallow his warm jizm once he shoots it down my throat, as his body shakes and convulses into extasy. Like I have a choice, with that monster probing my mouth like it does! Sheesh!

Anyhow!

A girl *or guy* has a choice to make. Are you going to spit out your lover’s love yogurt, or are you going to swallow it? Are you going to take it in the mouth, taste it and refuse it .. as you spit it out in a non-ladylike fashion? Or are you going to take it like a man and feel it trickle down your throat, knowing that a bunch of little baby spermies are making their way inside your body. Or are you just going to dodge the baby batter all together, and stroke him off into your hand, or perhaps onto your breasts or in your ear?

There is no right or wrong way to do it. Do what feels comfortable to you. Some say it’s an acquired taste. Some take to it right away and eat it for lunch on a daily basis. Some gag at just looking at the white gooey mess. Me? I like it. It’s a big ego booster to the male species if you can take his spunk and swallow it. Brownie points if you can do it without making a face. Extra brownie points *with sprinkles* if you can do a double nut. And enjoy it. Genuinely enjoy it.

Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

Threesome Dilemma

Dear Know it all ladies: 

I’m a 20 year old woman.  My boyfriend is kinda older, like he’s 34 and he’s got a real good job and stuff.  So we have this nice house and good cars and stuff so things are pretty good, right?  Well about 6 months ago he brings home this girl who’s like a couple of years older than me and he say “this here is Sheila and she’s gonna be my sex slave”  and I’m all like “Welllllll OK, yeah honey, i guess” but can we talk about it, and he says “well I say so and by the way I want you and her both to sign this contract”.  So he brings out these 2 pieces of paper and her’s says it’s a Master & Slave contract and mine’s a Co-master and slave contract.   So what her’s means is that she’s the slave and Howard (that’s my boyfriend) is the master and she has to address him as Master whenever he lets her talk and she has to wear like these special sexy clothes all the time and live in a room in the basement.  I didn’t even know we had a room in the basement!  But he said he’s been working on it while I’m watching Dr.Phil and I can kinda see how I’d never notice that he was building a room IN THE BASEMENT cause I get kinda involved in the show.  Ya know what I mean?   Those people are really screwed up!!!!  Then he tells me that what mine means is that I’m the Co-Master AND a slave, and I’m all like “Huh?”  cause that just doesn’t make any sense.  And he says that I’m his slave but I don’t have to live in the room in the basement, AND (this is the best part!) I’m also the Co-Master of Sheila!   So since I got to be a master too I signed the paper and Sheila signed hers.  I guess Sheila wanted to be a slave.   That’s how stupid she is. 

Then Howie said that him and Sheila would be having sex in the basement whenever he wanted.  See, he’s always wanted me to do the really kinky stuff like trapeze sex and letting him tie me up and blindfold me which wouldn’t be so bad except he insists I let him gag me too and I’ve got a real bad gag reflex. Like I can barely give him a blow job without practically hurling all over the place!!!  Which really used to piss Howie off.   So he got Sheila. 

At first I guess things were OK.   Sheila had to call me Co-Master which was way cool and I got to tell her to do stuff like sweep the floor and do the dishes and she had to do it!  It was like having a maid all the time.  Howie’d disappear into the basement during my Dr. Phil show and sometimes I’d have to turn up the TV cause the sex sounds were pretty loud! 

After awhile though I noticed that Sheila was saying “Yes Co-Master” to me in kind of a snotty way – like she didn’t respect me or something!  And sometimes I swear i could hear her call me a bitch under her breath, but when I’d ask her “Hey! What did you call me?” she’d say “Nothing Co-Master.”  But I knew better.  I’m not a dummy you know.

Finally I decided to tell Howie that Sheila had to go.  I mean, if she won’t respect the contract, she needs to go!  And this brings me to my problem:

Howie says that instead of getting rid of Snotty Sheila, he’s going let her live upstairs and watch Dr. Phil whenever she wants and I have to go live in the basement!  So my question is this:  How do I get Howie to change his mind and see things my way?

Signed,
Confused basement dweller

 Dear BD:

Sister, you’ve got more problems than just living in the basement and missing the Dr. Phil show!   The way I see it is this:  You have a signed contract making you a Co-Master AND a Slave.  But I’ll bet you didn’t read the fine print, did you??? If you look at the teeny tiny printing at the bottom of the page it says: Contract can be changed at any time at the discretion of the Head Master (Howard), thus rendering the Co-Master portion of this contract null and void.  Basically, you’re screwed here, kiddo.  My advice is to learn to love the basement and for God’s sake, work on stifling that gag reflex!  Geez, you young girls – you don’t know anything about giving a good blow job!  Oh, and be nice to Sheila.  I bet you’ll soon find out that she’s your new Co-Master.  And maybe the next time you start getting on your high horse, missy, you’ll think twice about it.

Stay tuned next week when our advice columnist will be Miss PittyPat – a 19th century spinster dispensing advice to the 21st century woman!

penis extensions

Hey there….Kell here. Some of you may know me as debambam. Some of you may not know me at all! Whether you do, or whether you don’t..please enjoy this post. It’s reposted..for the second time and is without doubt one of my personal favorites, and by far the most popular. Of course 99% of the hits are from men searching because they feel as though they are lacking something….have a great day!

For all of you who found your way here by way of a search engine looking for a little something extra in your life, or pants, there are better ways of enhancing yourself – LEARN HOW TO KNIT. I hear it’s all the rage.

And now for my regular readers….
Did I ever tell you about my theory on men’s obsession with remote controls and mobile phones? It’s really very simple .

They are penis extensions.

You see it’s socially unacceptable for men to play with themselves in public, so they’ve designed substitutes. This is the real reason behind advances in technology you know. The drive to find the BEST penis extension there is.

Remote controls (also affectionately called ‘power of the universe’ in our house) can be constantly fondled, caressed and kept out in the open upon ones lap without fear of being arrested. Men must have control of the remote at all times and will reluctantly release control to the women for brief periods of time only to keep her happy, which men want. When women are happy they will help you play with the remote, and we all know that while playing with the remote on your own is fun, it’s much more interesting with a second party…

Mobile phones on the other hand are simply for showing off. They say out loud to the world – this is my equipment, see it has more functions than yours, I can do more with it! Have you ever noticed the smaller they are, the more functions they have? It’s like they are saying ‘Just because i’m small, doesn’t mean I won’t satisfy your needs.’ The small ones also have those handy, remind me of something else, flip screens. One size one minute, then FLIP, and they are BIGGER and more fun to play with.

Men need to know where there penis extensions are at all times. Just like they know where the real thing is. Maybe. Lets face it, they tend to poke and prod and adjust all day long, maybe all that is to simply check that it’s still actually there? Who knows. I don’t. I’m just a crazy mum trying to keep her brain alive by making up dumbass theories about little pieces of plastic, metal and batteries that when lost can cause a man to run hysterically through the house like he’s lost an essential body part….

Male mystery solved

Stolen from my other joint …

One of the perks to being a woman . . .

I can get anything out of my husband, any tedious task done, any errand made, or otherwise anything I want accomplished, but really don’t want to do myself, by saying one thing:

I’ll slob your knob if you do it.

Works everytime.

A hot topic

The knowledge I’m going to impart today, is on why you shouldn’t set fire to your ex husbands penis. These little points are something you could possibly need at some point in your life, and it always pays to be prepared I think.

1. Why deprive any other woman of the misery you went through? Let them find out for themselves what a lousy root he is!
2. They say masturbation leads to insanity. Letting him pull himself into the funny farm would be a good revenge.
3. Bonus on the above point. If you convince him to eat lots of Twisties, and he DOES pull himself often enough, his dick will turn yellow and he’ll think he has some fatal disease!
4. Do you really want to have to look at that horrible little creature one more time?
5. The effort it will take to find the damn thing to do it, would be far more than what the end result is worth. Once you’ve put the pepper, magnifying glass and tweezers together, the urge would probably have gone anyway.
6. By the time you got around to wanting to do it, God only knows where it could have been, so you really don’t want to be getting that close! It could be contagious!
7. He may be a closet masochist. He did leave you remember? Do you really want to take the chance on giving him pleasure?
8. Arson is against the law after all.

So there are 8 perfectly good reasons why you shouldn’t do this

And you clicked the link thinking you wouldn’t learn anything!!!
Thought I was full of shit didn’t you??