How NOT to get revenge

There are hundreds of thousands of people have had marriage/relationship break downs. In many cases they simply not meant to be no matter how hard you try.
The reasons are many and varied, some with other people involved, others simply because life and all it’s trials get in the way and the relationship simply cannot withstand the pressure.
In both my cases all I wanted was to be done with them and move on once the decision was made to finish it.
There were no thoughts of revenge or payback, none of those things.
Now, if I had been inclined to making sure they suffered I’m hoping I would be smarter than this
The time between the break up and the attempted act of revenge amused me too I must say. Why the devil would you wait so damned long?
Did this woman sit at home for 8 years trying to decide which manner of pay back was best? Did she sit in her lounge chair every night dreaming of revenge on an old boyfriend?
If she did it was obviously time wasted because she didn’t even have the intelligence to not use her home computer.
She would have been better off at an internet cafe? At least the IP address would have been generic instead of her home address!
Let this be a lesson to anyone considering getting their own back, even if it is 8 years after a break up.
Try and learn form the error of this woman’s ways.
If you want pay back, just shoot the bastard, then noone else can have him either! Not only that, youre pretty much guaranteed 3 meals a day and a bed for around 20 years. Who knows, you may find out you don’t like men after all and in fact want to munch the rug.
Sounds more practical to me. If I’m going to jail it’s for a real crime, not some pissy little kick him in the balls reason.
~knowledgable~

Shmokin’ da pole

Ladies, you wanna know how to give the best blow job ever? You wanna know how to satisfy your man completely, giving him a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, toes-curling hummer?

Get all your teeth pulled out so you can gum that shit!

For the Yiff of It!

Dear Ms. Stark and the Good Ladies of the BOK,

I am in a bit of a quandry and I hope that you knowledgeable ladies can give me some advice.  For the last few months, I have noticed that my husband has been very interested in plush animals.  It started with him purchasing a few for me (from fairs, for special occasions etc).  A plush puppy here, a soft little pony there…  I didn’t seem to mind this behaviour at first.  But later, as his compulsion grew, I am finding his behaviour more ”strange” and “bizarre” (Our bedroom is stuffed with plush animals people!  They are choking me in my sleep! [gasp, gasp!]).    

Oh!  And, more recently, I have noticed that he spends hours browsing the Internet for pornographic photos of cartoon animals!  Just last week, while arranging my toiletries, I found a stash of XXX rated cartoon comics of furry-animals in our bathroom cabinet!  Needless to say, I was shocked.  I didn’t realize they even made such a thing as “furry-porn”.  Now, I will admit, that I flipped through a few of these comics and found them rather intriguing.  Actually, I found them a little erotic.  But, I’m not sure what I would do if my husband came home in a chicken suit!  I’m a vegan!  I can’t eat a chicken….let alone have wild furry-sex with one! 

Help!  What do I do?

-Stressed out in Fur-ville

Dear SOIF,

My advice to you is quite simple dearie.  Pick an animal that you wouldn’t consider eating – be it a fox, a wolf, a horse….whatever.  Buy the costume and have a “yiffy” good-time with that “furson” husband of yours!  And, as you experience the best Kama Sutra “yiffing” of your life – don’t forget to “Yip!” you tight-assed ”yiff-sick” fool! [Oh!  Sorry...pardon me....Is it getting *hot* in here or is it my sexy little kitty suit?!].

Ahem [smoothing her fur].  Anyways, go out and have some fun SOIF (just keep it safe, sane and consensual)…

You’ll feel like a “re-whelped” fox…

Sincerely,

Ms. Stark (High Priestess to the Guild of Yiff-sters)

How to handle a husband

Ladies, some men think once you’re married that they rule the roost. This (true) story shows this is NOT the case most times.
I have in fact used this on my (current) husband and it worked a treat! After 11 years marriage I still have him. (bit of a record for me!!)
Remains of previous husbands are currently languishing in undisclosed locations..

Many thought this story was an urban legend. Not so, people….not so…

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,” That’s once.”

“We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What ’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??”

She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”

“And from that moment… we have lived happily ever after.”

Anal bleaching 101

 

Dear Wise One,

What is anal bleaching? Is it safe? Effective? Will the chemicals used make my bumbum tingle or numb? Does it burn? Will my boyfriend like it?

Signed,
Brown Starfish

Dearest Brown Starfish,

Anal bleaching is a technique used to change the dark pigment of the skin around the anus, thus causing it to be a lighter shade, closer to the epidermis of the rest of the body. It is primarily used as a cream, either in your doctor’s office or in the privacy of your own home. I prefer doing it at home so that my S.O. can apply it for me. I find it to be a very erotic practice between the two of us.

It is safe if you are careful with the cream and don’t apply it too heavily, and for goodness’ sake, don’t ingest it or apply it to the inside of your anus! It does not hurt nor will it make your ass hole fall off. It’s perfectly okay to use, if you use the aforementioned precautions.

After using the bleaching cream for several days, you ought to see results. Once you have reached the pigment hue of choice, discontinue the cream and enjoy your new *and improved* anus. It will make you feel *and look* like a young filly again!

Plus, Britney’s doing it! So why the hell not try it!

Signed,
Red

Spit, Swallow or Dodge

To spit or not to spit? Now that is the question. Times, they are a-changing, folks. You don’t go on dates anymore and make small talk about jobs and dreams and lifetime goals. No, you discuss whether or not you take a mouthful of cum and spit it out or swallow it gracefully. Over morning coffee with your spouse, do you discuss taking his wad and swallowing it into the depths of your stomach? I know I do.

Just this morning, the husband told me how much he loves knowing that I swallow his warm jizm once he shoots it down my throat, as his body shakes and convulses into extasy. Like I have a choice, with that monster probing my mouth like it does! Sheesh!

Anyhow!

A girl *or guy* has a choice to make. Are you going to spit out your lover’s love yogurt, or are you going to swallow it? Are you going to take it in the mouth, taste it and refuse it .. as you spit it out in a non-ladylike fashion? Or are you going to take it like a man and feel it trickle down your throat, knowing that a bunch of little baby spermies are making their way inside your body. Or are you just going to dodge the baby batter all together, and stroke him off into your hand, or perhaps onto your breasts or in your ear?

There is no right or wrong way to do it. Do what feels comfortable to you. Some say it’s an acquired taste. Some take to it right away and eat it for lunch on a daily basis. Some gag at just looking at the white gooey mess. Me? I like it. It’s a big ego booster to the male species if you can take his spunk and swallow it. Brownie points if you can do it without making a face. Extra brownie points *with sprinkles* if you can do a double nut. And enjoy it. Genuinely enjoy it.

Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

Threesome Dilemma

Dear Know it all ladies: 

I’m a 20 year old woman.  My boyfriend is kinda older, like he’s 34 and he’s got a real good job and stuff.  So we have this nice house and good cars and stuff so things are pretty good, right?  Well about 6 months ago he brings home this girl who’s like a couple of years older than me and he say “this here is Sheila and she’s gonna be my sex slave”  and I’m all like “Welllllll OK, yeah honey, i guess” but can we talk about it, and he says “well I say so and by the way I want you and her both to sign this contract”.  So he brings out these 2 pieces of paper and her’s says it’s a Master & Slave contract and mine’s a Co-master and slave contract.   So what her’s means is that she’s the slave and Howard (that’s my boyfriend) is the master and she has to address him as Master whenever he lets her talk and she has to wear like these special sexy clothes all the time and live in a room in the basement.  I didn’t even know we had a room in the basement!  But he said he’s been working on it while I’m watching Dr.Phil and I can kinda see how I’d never notice that he was building a room IN THE BASEMENT cause I get kinda involved in the show.  Ya know what I mean?   Those people are really screwed up!!!!  Then he tells me that what mine means is that I’m the Co-Master AND a slave, and I’m all like “Huh?”  cause that just doesn’t make any sense.  And he says that I’m his slave but I don’t have to live in the room in the basement, AND (this is the best part!) I’m also the Co-Master of Sheila!   So since I got to be a master too I signed the paper and Sheila signed hers.  I guess Sheila wanted to be a slave.   That’s how stupid she is. 

Then Howie said that him and Sheila would be having sex in the basement whenever he wanted.  See, he’s always wanted me to do the really kinky stuff like trapeze sex and letting him tie me up and blindfold me which wouldn’t be so bad except he insists I let him gag me too and I’ve got a real bad gag reflex. Like I can barely give him a blow job without practically hurling all over the place!!!  Which really used to piss Howie off.   So he got Sheila. 

At first I guess things were OK.   Sheila had to call me Co-Master which was way cool and I got to tell her to do stuff like sweep the floor and do the dishes and she had to do it!  It was like having a maid all the time.  Howie’d disappear into the basement during my Dr. Phil show and sometimes I’d have to turn up the TV cause the sex sounds were pretty loud! 

After awhile though I noticed that Sheila was saying “Yes Co-Master” to me in kind of a snotty way – like she didn’t respect me or something!  And sometimes I swear i could hear her call me a bitch under her breath, but when I’d ask her “Hey! What did you call me?” she’d say “Nothing Co-Master.”  But I knew better.  I’m not a dummy you know.

Finally I decided to tell Howie that Sheila had to go.  I mean, if she won’t respect the contract, she needs to go!  And this brings me to my problem:

Howie says that instead of getting rid of Snotty Sheila, he’s going let her live upstairs and watch Dr. Phil whenever she wants and I have to go live in the basement!  So my question is this:  How do I get Howie to change his mind and see things my way?

Signed,
Confused basement dweller

 Dear BD:

Sister, you’ve got more problems than just living in the basement and missing the Dr. Phil show!   The way I see it is this:  You have a signed contract making you a Co-Master AND a Slave.  But I’ll bet you didn’t read the fine print, did you??? If you look at the teeny tiny printing at the bottom of the page it says: Contract can be changed at any time at the discretion of the Head Master (Howard), thus rendering the Co-Master portion of this contract null and void.  Basically, you’re screwed here, kiddo.  My advice is to learn to love the basement and for God’s sake, work on stifling that gag reflex!  Geez, you young girls – you don’t know anything about giving a good blow job!  Oh, and be nice to Sheila.  I bet you’ll soon find out that she’s your new Co-Master.  And maybe the next time you start getting on your high horse, missy, you’ll think twice about it.

Stay tuned next week when our advice columnist will be Miss PittyPat – a 19th century spinster dispensing advice to the 21st century woman!

da R-U-L-E-S

This entry is geared mainly for the husbands out there. If you’d like to keep your balls intact, follow these three simple rules . . .

Do not spray paint in the house. Even if you think you’re being sneaky – nothing, absolutely nothing will mask or cover the fumes.

Do not clean your garage tools in the dishwasher. Just don’t.

Do not throw your muddy boots in with the wash that contains the wifey’s underlovelies – or anything else for that matter!

If you do these things, you’ll be woken up in the middle of the night as your balls are being snipped off with a set of rusty ol’ hedge trimmers. Trust me, I made a pretty set of dangly earrings with the hubby’s balls not long after we married!

Male mystery solved

Stolen from my other joint …

One of the perks to being a woman . . .

I can get anything out of my husband, any tedious task done, any errand made, or otherwise anything I want accomplished, but really don’t want to do myself, by saying one thing:

I’ll slob your knob if you do it.

Works everytime.

Correct response #1

It’s not wise to not put all your eggs in the one basket. Unless of course you want scrambled eggs, but that’s another post for another day.
Whilst it’s always nice to have the joint/household/bills/savings/nest egg account happening with your significant other, there is another track you should be traveling at the same time.
The cunning kit.
It’s always wise to have a bit on the side I think. An account that only generates electronic statements to your secondary email account and has enough in it so if you need to buy that irresistible pair of shoes you can. Remember the stunning, original, designer dress you saw a few weeks ago, then cried when you checked the price tag? With a cunning kit you could have afforded it you know. There was no need for the tears my lovelies. It could have been yours.
There wouldn’t have been any questions regarding said item from your other half. Let’s be honest, he wouldn’t know the difference between a Valentino and a K Mart would he?
In fact there is a vast possibility he won’t even know it was new because they really don’t take that much notice now do they?
Perchance he does ask, (as unlikely as that is) the correct response is “This old thing? I’ve had it for ages, but only just got it back from the cleaners. I love the way you make me feel so special and sexy every time I wear this” All whilst blushing like a school girl. (doesn’t hurt to throw in a little giggle as well)
End result?
He’s feeling good for having made you feel good (it would never occur to him to wonder HOW he managed that little feat, he’ll be far too busy patting himself on the back for a job well done and thinking he’s gonna get laid tonight)
You’ve got the designer dress to make your friends jealous and both of you are happy little campers.
Don’t look at it as deception, see it as spicing things up a bit!
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.