Dear knowledgable

I received this email from a somewhat distressed young man just last night. I would appreciate it if my esteemed colleagues could attempt some type of solution for this guy. He sounds as if he’s suffering for all the wrong reasons. My heart goes out to him…I would ordinarily give a response here, but for unknown reasons I’m feeling quite warm and flushed…..

Dear ladies of the all knowing blog,
I’ve spoken to a sex therapist about my little quandary but he seemed more interested in the 350.00 an hour I had to pay than actually giving me any answers. I know how cheap you girls are so this was the obvious next step.
Here is the crux of the matter. I have a VERY big dick! In fact, it’s HUGE! Whilst I am the envy of most male friends, this is not the case with women.
I cannot find a woman willing to participate in the horizontal hula with me! I’m considered by the opposite sex to be reasonably attractive and never have a problem getting first, second and even third dates, which is about when the problem starts. {I’m not one to push a woman to sleep with me until at least the 3rd date out of respect}
All goes well, to a point at these times. I have a special place I like to take girl to eat. French cuisine, very romantic atmosphere, good wine. I think it’s nice to do things in style you know? We get past dinner, dessert and coffee without any trouble at all.
It’s when I suggest a night cap at my place we seem to hit the wall.
Just last night I went through the motions with a wonderful young lady named Linda. After arriving at my apartment and enjoying coffee and some light petting, the situation looked as if it would progress to my king size water bed. Getting to the bedroom was no problem, still kissing and petting, becoming quite passionate. Time to disrobe. All is well until Linda decides to go down on me.
Within 2 minutes of her seeing my member, in ALL his glory, she has dressed, and abuses me in no uncertain terms.
Here is the truly painful part. Her reaction was:
“I’m insulted you think I have a big enough place to put that monster!! What do you think I am? A 44 gallon drum? Don’t ever call me again!!”
I can’t help that I have something this size in my pants! It was almost like she thought I’d grown it specially to upset her, like some type of mutant monster!
Please help me! Should I be telling women of this before I get to the point of going to bed with them? Surely that would be in bad taste?
I can just see me over the strawberry crepes. “Oh, by the way, I need you to know my shlong is 12″ long and 4″ round. Do you think you can handle that???”
I’m not convinced this is the answer.
Please help me. My wrist is also starting to be a problem because I need to have the odd wank in order to keep myself sane.
Please tell me you have the answer oh wise ones.
Signed
Biggus Dickus in a dilemma.

Shmokin’ da pole

Ladies, you wanna know how to give the best blow job ever? You wanna know how to satisfy your man completely, giving him a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, toes-curling hummer?

Get all your teeth pulled out so you can gum that shit!

Congratulations Red!

We’re slowly but surely getting our stats up I see. I was always one to say “stats don’t matter to me”, but that’s crap! Stats matter to everyone, it’s simply a matter of whether or not you admit it.
Anyway. We didn’t expect millions to flock right from the word go, but overall it hasn’t done too badly. I’m quite happy to be kicking along the we are.
When we started this little venture the general overtone was very tongue in cheek with the odd bit of seriousness here and there, but that was not generating a whole lot of traffic so we decided to change the tone of the place from what it was to a little more, shall we say, “risque”! We’re all adults, we can all handle the word fuck now and again, and a discussion on some out of the ordinary sexual practices.
This is when we started getting more hits than usual. Red’s post on Anal Bleaching has generated far more traffic than any other. It was done 2 weeks ago and is still generating some 5-10 hits a day! The other one (also of Red’s) was Spit, swallow or dodge. It too is still generating some 5-10 hits per day.
So Miss Red. The inaugural BOK’s award for the post/s of the month goes to you and these 2 posts. They were well written, and spoken with true authority, which is what we’re all about here at BOK. Educating the masses on subjects that others are looking to learn about.
I for one was not aware of the practice of anal bleaching, but then I’ve never had a fascination for bung holes so I guess it stands to reason….hehehe…and no, I’m not suggesting you have that fascination, merely that you are broad minded enough to actually research it.
Part of this award is judged on the best search term generated by a post, and this is where the Spit, swallow or doge comes into it. The search term in question was “knob swallower”. That’s what tipped you over the edge Red. Until then it was between you and OB for the search term portion of this award. Sorry OB.
The prize for this award is not a lot other than the prestige of being the first and having a post done about it!
Hope you weren’t expecting a real prize? Shit! The postage would kill me from Oz!!
Again, well done young lady. Well done, and keep up the good work.

For the Yiff of It!

Dear Ms. Stark and the Good Ladies of the BOK,

I am in a bit of a quandry and I hope that you knowledgeable ladies can give me some advice.  For the last few months, I have noticed that my husband has been very interested in plush animals.  It started with him purchasing a few for me (from fairs, for special occasions etc).  A plush puppy here, a soft little pony there…  I didn’t seem to mind this behaviour at first.  But later, as his compulsion grew, I am finding his behaviour more ”strange” and “bizarre” (Our bedroom is stuffed with plush animals people!  They are choking me in my sleep! [gasp, gasp!]).    

Oh!  And, more recently, I have noticed that he spends hours browsing the Internet for pornographic photos of cartoon animals!  Just last week, while arranging my toiletries, I found a stash of XXX rated cartoon comics of furry-animals in our bathroom cabinet!  Needless to say, I was shocked.  I didn’t realize they even made such a thing as “furry-porn”.  Now, I will admit, that I flipped through a few of these comics and found them rather intriguing.  Actually, I found them a little erotic.  But, I’m not sure what I would do if my husband came home in a chicken suit!  I’m a vegan!  I can’t eat a chicken….let alone have wild furry-sex with one! 

Help!  What do I do?

-Stressed out in Fur-ville

Dear SOIF,

My advice to you is quite simple dearie.  Pick an animal that you wouldn’t consider eating – be it a fox, a wolf, a horse….whatever.  Buy the costume and have a “yiffy” good-time with that “furson” husband of yours!  And, as you experience the best Kama Sutra “yiffing” of your life – don’t forget to “Yip!” you tight-assed ”yiff-sick” fool! [Oh!  Sorry...pardon me....Is it getting *hot* in here or is it my sexy little kitty suit?!].

Ahem [smoothing her fur].  Anyways, go out and have some fun SOIF (just keep it safe, sane and consensual)…

You’ll feel like a “re-whelped” fox…

Sincerely,

Ms. Stark (High Priestess to the Guild of Yiff-sters)

Bilemma

(A short preface: The following question was posed in the wee small hours of Saturday morning after responding to a post by my cousin Venus. I was a little drunk at the time. I kind of blather and blurt stuff out when I’m like that, but it’s a feeling I’ve been acutely aware of for the past 20 years…)

Dear Fellow Knowledgeables:

I find I’m somewhat attracted to women, but have never had the opportunity (or the courage) to actually do anything about it. I otherwise consider myself to be a straight woman. Any advice?

Getting laid #1

We all know these days that a decent set of tits, cute butt and legs to die for simply aren’t enough. Todays man is looking for more! Something different. Out of the box so to speak!
With this little move you’ll always give the impression of being very athletic and as we all know, men are ALWAYS looking for athletic in the bedroom!
If you mention (in passing) how you can out your ankles behind your ears, that tends to get their attention as well. Nothing like a few party tricks I always say!
I did look for a pic of someone doing this very interesting maneuver, however I ended up on so many porn sites that I got a little distracted…and rather restless….and somewhat sweaty and…never mind!!!
Um, *licking lips* now, where was I again….???
Oh yes!
The little trick above is certain to gain attention. It just screams what the caption says. We all know how men LOVE whores don’t we? They don’t care what type you are, they see or hear whore and they magically appear!
I’m aware the types this little trick would attract are likely to be somewhat shallow, however all you want to do is get laid yes? It’s not like you want to have his babies and live forever in domestic bliss is it? It’s deep and meaningful cock you’re after at this point, not deep and meaningful discussions!
Please take particular note of the fact that this has been done in a tasteful manner. Tits not actually out but obviously in evidence, the business end high enough that they can get a good look and a beaming smile to finish it off with.
Total class, all the way.
Trust me, you can’t go wrong with this one girls. It’s a winner!
Good luck in your endeavors from all of us here at the BOK.
Now go get ‘em!

How to handle a husband

Ladies, some men think once you’re married that they rule the roost. This (true) story shows this is NOT the case most times.
I have in fact used this on my (current) husband and it worked a treat! After 11 years marriage I still have him. (bit of a record for me!!)
Remains of previous husbands are currently languishing in undisclosed locations..

Many thought this story was an urban legend. Not so, people….not so…

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,” That’s once.”

“We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What ’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??”

She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”

“And from that moment… we have lived happily ever after.”

Anal bleaching 101

 

Dear Wise One,

What is anal bleaching? Is it safe? Effective? Will the chemicals used make my bumbum tingle or numb? Does it burn? Will my boyfriend like it?

Signed,
Brown Starfish

Dearest Brown Starfish,

Anal bleaching is a technique used to change the dark pigment of the skin around the anus, thus causing it to be a lighter shade, closer to the epidermis of the rest of the body. It is primarily used as a cream, either in your doctor’s office or in the privacy of your own home. I prefer doing it at home so that my S.O. can apply it for me. I find it to be a very erotic practice between the two of us.

It is safe if you are careful with the cream and don’t apply it too heavily, and for goodness’ sake, don’t ingest it or apply it to the inside of your anus! It does not hurt nor will it make your ass hole fall off. It’s perfectly okay to use, if you use the aforementioned precautions.

After using the bleaching cream for several days, you ought to see results. Once you have reached the pigment hue of choice, discontinue the cream and enjoy your new *and improved* anus. It will make you feel *and look* like a young filly again!

Plus, Britney’s doing it! So why the hell not try it!

Signed,
Red

Threesome Dilemma

Dear Know it all ladies: 

I’m a 20 year old woman.  My boyfriend is kinda older, like he’s 34 and he’s got a real good job and stuff.  So we have this nice house and good cars and stuff so things are pretty good, right?  Well about 6 months ago he brings home this girl who’s like a couple of years older than me and he say “this here is Sheila and she’s gonna be my sex slave”  and I’m all like “Welllllll OK, yeah honey, i guess” but can we talk about it, and he says “well I say so and by the way I want you and her both to sign this contract”.  So he brings out these 2 pieces of paper and her’s says it’s a Master & Slave contract and mine’s a Co-master and slave contract.   So what her’s means is that she’s the slave and Howard (that’s my boyfriend) is the master and she has to address him as Master whenever he lets her talk and she has to wear like these special sexy clothes all the time and live in a room in the basement.  I didn’t even know we had a room in the basement!  But he said he’s been working on it while I’m watching Dr.Phil and I can kinda see how I’d never notice that he was building a room IN THE BASEMENT cause I get kinda involved in the show.  Ya know what I mean?   Those people are really screwed up!!!!  Then he tells me that what mine means is that I’m the Co-Master AND a slave, and I’m all like “Huh?”  cause that just doesn’t make any sense.  And he says that I’m his slave but I don’t have to live in the room in the basement, AND (this is the best part!) I’m also the Co-Master of Sheila!   So since I got to be a master too I signed the paper and Sheila signed hers.  I guess Sheila wanted to be a slave.   That’s how stupid she is. 

Then Howie said that him and Sheila would be having sex in the basement whenever he wanted.  See, he’s always wanted me to do the really kinky stuff like trapeze sex and letting him tie me up and blindfold me which wouldn’t be so bad except he insists I let him gag me too and I’ve got a real bad gag reflex. Like I can barely give him a blow job without practically hurling all over the place!!!  Which really used to piss Howie off.   So he got Sheila. 

At first I guess things were OK.   Sheila had to call me Co-Master which was way cool and I got to tell her to do stuff like sweep the floor and do the dishes and she had to do it!  It was like having a maid all the time.  Howie’d disappear into the basement during my Dr. Phil show and sometimes I’d have to turn up the TV cause the sex sounds were pretty loud! 

After awhile though I noticed that Sheila was saying “Yes Co-Master” to me in kind of a snotty way – like she didn’t respect me or something!  And sometimes I swear i could hear her call me a bitch under her breath, but when I’d ask her “Hey! What did you call me?” she’d say “Nothing Co-Master.”  But I knew better.  I’m not a dummy you know.

Finally I decided to tell Howie that Sheila had to go.  I mean, if she won’t respect the contract, she needs to go!  And this brings me to my problem:

Howie says that instead of getting rid of Snotty Sheila, he’s going let her live upstairs and watch Dr. Phil whenever she wants and I have to go live in the basement!  So my question is this:  How do I get Howie to change his mind and see things my way?

Signed,
Confused basement dweller

 Dear BD:

Sister, you’ve got more problems than just living in the basement and missing the Dr. Phil show!   The way I see it is this:  You have a signed contract making you a Co-Master AND a Slave.  But I’ll bet you didn’t read the fine print, did you??? If you look at the teeny tiny printing at the bottom of the page it says: Contract can be changed at any time at the discretion of the Head Master (Howard), thus rendering the Co-Master portion of this contract null and void.  Basically, you’re screwed here, kiddo.  My advice is to learn to love the basement and for God’s sake, work on stifling that gag reflex!  Geez, you young girls – you don’t know anything about giving a good blow job!  Oh, and be nice to Sheila.  I bet you’ll soon find out that she’s your new Co-Master.  And maybe the next time you start getting on your high horse, missy, you’ll think twice about it.

Stay tuned next week when our advice columnist will be Miss PittyPat – a 19th century spinster dispensing advice to the 21st century woman!